Anxiety

I've been really anxious since I got the job.  Full blown panic attack anxious.  Things are going well, but I can't seem to shake this nagging feeling at the back of my consciousness.  I'm worried about losing the job.  I'm worried about my health.  I'm worried about politics.  What's worse is that I'm worried about my worrying.  It feels like I'm trapped inside my own mind, and I have a hard time letting go.  It's especially bad at night, when I'm trying to go to sleep.

On the bright side, I'll be getting my paycheck at the end of the week.
 

Job Get

After much searching, I've finally found employment.  As a cashier for a chinese delivery place.  It's alright, and should hold me over until I can find something better.  I'm still planning on returning to college this upcoming fall semester; this time I'll make sure to do the necessary internships and whatnot.

The Geopolitics of the North Korean Escalation

There's been a lot of talk about North Korea's perceived belligerence lately.  People are freaking out over the possibility that North Korea is going to try to attack the United States or one of its East Asian allies.

But here's the thing.  From the North Korean perspective, there is nothing to gain from renewed conflict on the peninsula.  Any war between North Korea and the US would end in a decisive American victory.  Kim Jung Un with his fancy western education is going to be acutely aware of this, and I find it difficult to believe that the generals surrounding him would be naive enough to think anything to the contrary.

However, there is a lot for the United States to gain from the war.  The reunification of Korea as a US satellite would prove to be an incredible geopolitical boon as it would put a US aligned military force directly on the doorstep of both China and Russia.  Additionally, the escalation and hawkish rhetoric before the resumption of hostilities would serve as a reason to rearm the Japanese who have become an important US ally in the Pacific.  A militarized Japan would be invaluable as a check against the Chinese.

North Korea's role as a buffer between the current great powers could be important enough for the Chinese and Russians to lend aid to the hermit kingdom as happened during the Korean War in the 50s.  Though, it's unlikely that either nation would risk open military support.  Russia and the United States cannot go to war with one another (something that took the superpowers several decades to come to terms with during the Cold War), and China lacks the crucial force projection capabilities necessary to really fight a war against the United States.

Despite their reluctance, the possibility of escalation to the point of open war with China is important to consider.  With the middle east thoroughly destabilized, I think that US foreign policy is going to shift to East Asia.  Between the stupid Sino-Jap island disputes, North Korea, the ridiculous maritime claims in the South China Sea, and the recent conflict in Sabah, there is a lot of potential for the two powers to butt heads.  There's even some room for the US to come in as the "good guys".

Like a war with Korea, the United States arguably stands to gain from a war with China.  China is growing as an economic and military rival to US dominance.  Needless to say, it would be in America's best interest if China were not allowed to fully blossom.  Having a rival in Russia is more than enough.  Of course, the conflict would be much bloodier and riskier.  Although China's nuclear stockpile isn't large enough for the MAD doctrine to truly apply, they do possess the capability to perform nuclear strikes against the continental United States (though even this is starting to come into question with the US's investment in missile defense technology).  Fortunately, though, China lacks the logistics to perform an (counter) invasion of the United States.  Without a blue water navy of their own, China would be unable to push their way past the combined might of the US and Japanese navies.  The other NATO members, notably the UK, only serve to tip that scale further.  Ultimately, the calculus of war dictates that China would succumb, especially if the US military is allowed to pursue total war.

The real deterrent to war with China is the degree of economic interdependence.  Though one may argue that US interests would be best served if the country weren't so reliant on Chinese labor, that makes the severing of ties no less painful.  It may therefore be more advantageous to, instead of escalating to the point of war with China, promote dissidence and rebellious sentiment.  The collapse of the regime and a return to warring states status could allow the US to achieve all of its East Asian goals without putting itself or its allies at risk.  It would also allow any military action taken in China to go more smoothly as the US would be fighting against individual warlords and rebel factions instead of a united China.

The poetry of unemployment

Still looking for work, but I recently had another interview, so there's that.  I'm also thinking of going back to college.  I had something of an epiphany: my concerns about student loans were unfounded.  Since I'm at a point where I feel like its only a matter of time until I take my own life, I may as well go for it.  If it works, I'll be better prepared for the whole career thing; if not, well, if I'm going to kill myself, I may as well be in debt when I do it.  It's at once morbid and uplifting.

My writing is coming along nicely.  I think that I should have a nice sized anthology of short stories if I keep it up.  I've even started writing some (shitty) poetry as a way of performing literary squats.

Unrelated, but I have a weakness for puns.

Interview

I had a job interview the other day (Petco).  It's the first one I've had in a while, so I'm kinda optimistic about that, even though I don't think it went that well.   I'm going to call them back tomorrow to do some thinly veiled begging   I've been writing more, and though I've been slacking off a bit in regards to my programming, I have to say that I'm happier keeping up with my writing and slacking on programming than I was keeping up with my programming and slacking on writing.  Although it's a useful trade I'd like to learn, the programming is further from what I want to do with my life.  It's also a bit more frustrating: the resources I've come across for learning it have been... of mixed quality.

I used this site: http://www.binarytides.com/python-socket-programming-tutorial/ to help make a simple program (I updated it for 3.3 and put in a line allowing me to set the website at runtime), but I'm having trouble with the message part.  Specifically the "\r\n\r\n" segment.  It's important, as the program doesn't work properly when I take it out, but I have no idea what it actually does, or why.  I found some explanation for the rest of the message ("GET / HTTP/1.1") here, but I'm still at a loss.

It also doesn't help that I don't understand the output I get from the websites.

On an unrelated note, I recently downloaded and watched the second Nanoha movie.  It was great, and despite already knowing the plot thanks to watching the TV series, I still got misty eyed.  If I get the job, I plan to order the BD, so I can put it beside the 1st movie on my shelf.

1000 words

Despite the five year plan calling for me to write on a regular basis, today was the first day I actually wrote anything.

I've been out of practice for so long, that I've grown afraid that perhaps I lost what talent I once possessed, or, worse, that I never had any to begin with.  The thought of failing at this, more than anything else, terrifies me.  Of course, this paralyzing fear is counter-productive; I won't get any better or improve myself by giving in.

So, despite producing only a thousand words of indeterminable quality (I'm inclined to automatically discredit the work, but I'm obviously biased), I'm feeling a bit more optimistic than before.

Optimism Waning

I got the tooth pulled, finished my five day course of antibiotics, and I think I'm losing my mind. For the first few days after getting my tooth pulled, I consumed less than 1000 calories.  The soup, while tastier than I first anticipated, didn't quite cut it for keeping me going.  I've since gone to the store and started eating more, but after the initial weakness scare, I find myself worrying about my health.  I don't know if my fears are founded or not, and I suspect that I may simply be worrying myself to death.  Nevertheless, I think I ought to go to a doctor, but with no medical insurance and no money (the tooth extraction cut deep), that's not going to happen anytime soon.

I think to myself that all this self-improvement is all for naught, and that I may as well kill myself now and save myself the trouble.  Instead, I'm going to masturbate, meditate, and go to bed.  Hopefully, I'll feel better in the morning.